When Men Say “I Love You.”

This is a blog I had written some time ago on an old site. It just deserves a re-post every now and again.

When Men Say “I Love You.” 

I am a 42 year old woman, and I have two wonderful boys. I have heard a man or two in my life tell me “I love you.” When I was younger, I wore my heart on my sleeve and looked at love and relationships through rose colored glasses.  Life was new, untarnished, and unscarred, but as time has went on and I have lived life’s experiences and as I’ve grown older, I have realized love is much more complicated then it was when I was younger. It’s not as whimsical or easy as it once was, nor will it ever be again.  

Most at my age have ex-husbands or wives, we have children from previous relationships, and step children from current ones. Blended families are more common than ever and starting over means big risk. Yes, sometimes financially, but mostly we have more than our own hearts to consider. 

It’s been many years since I have been the first person within a relationship to tell the other that “I loved them,” somehow I thought this would spare my heart somehow if the man said it first, and not to scare someone off too soon. Even if I felt it in the pit of my heart, I would not, nor will I ever again be the first to say it as it pertains to romantic love. Not to protect my heart now, but because I now finally realize the responsibility behind it.  But do men realize the responsibility behind those three little words. I love you? 

Not in my experience. Since my divorce, about 14 years ago, I have never said “I love you” first. But that alone did not save me. Since then I have had 3 relationships. My ex-fiancé, my youngest son’s father, told me he loved me. But did not realize that this meant taking the responsibility at being the other head of our household, apparently he assumed those words gave him the right to live for free, have me provide everything for him and his son, and the right to beat me on a regular basis. After him came George. George told me he loved me, and I think on some level he did or may have, maybe? I am still unsure. George had a wife, and girlfriends in other states (which I was unaware of), and he never asked me for anything. Just some time, and had a sense of wanting to take care of me and my boys, but what he didn’t realize that “I love you” means commitment to one woman, and the ability to nurture and care for that one relationship. My kids were young enough to not be too attached, and George at least knew well enough to travel here when my kids were away.  But he did not realize the responsibility behind “I love you.” 

Then of course there was Guy. What can I say about Guy, he said “I love you” and I guess that meant I was again, suppose to step up and care for him, nurture him, support him in every aspect in his life and all his sorted problems and issues and not expect any of it in return. He didn’t realize that “I love you” meant that my children were attached to him as much as I was and that “I love you” meant the relationship was give and take, and it meant including each other in every part of each other’s lives and not just his in mine. I realize now that his kind of “I love you” meant that only when it was convenient for him.  

I don’t know if I will ever hear the words “I love you” again from any man, and I really don’t care to hear them again if it he doesn’t know the responsibility that goes along with those 3 little silly words. I know the responsibility that goes along with them and if a man ever hears me say them to him again, he will know he will have a very good, committed and loving woman by his side, In all parts of his, his children’s (if so applicable) and his extended families lives.  He will know that it means I will be there with him to not only share is triumphs and victories but it will also mean I will be there to share in his failures, disappointments and defeats. It means I will care for him when he is sick or sorrowed but it will also mean that I expect the exact equal of treatment of myself, my children and my family. 

But does a man exist that understands this type of responsibility or has the ability to take it to task? I am not sure.  I am not sure if there is any man that would or could utter those words if they actually realized the responsibility behind them. They utter them within a moment of passion, or when overwhelmed within “the moment” or figure it must be “the right time. “ But do they ever really consider where those words are leading them or the woman they are saying them too? I am very unsure if they really do. 

I hope you men out there reading this take it to heart, and remember those three words mean more than the utterance itself and change just about everything. 

Peace to you all. 

Mary

Smudging the Canvas

Well, it seems my writers block has lasted longer than I have anticipated. I can’t seem to put pen to paper. I thought maybe due to my longer commute, or busy life I just didn’t have time. I even went out and bought myself a mini-voice recorder to record thoughts of things I wanted write about, since jotting notes and driving are never a good mix.  But that hasn’t helped either.

The odd thing is, having this long of a dry spell from writing would usually bother me immensely and if I could just  find something that bothered or inspired me enough to put pen to paper, but there hasn’t been anything that has inspired or really bothered me lately. So, like an artist, who will just add some color to a blank canvas and search for inspiration, I guess that is what I am doing here.

When I think about the reasons why I haven’t written much of anything these past months, it was first due to closing on my house and my impending move. But now what is my excuse? I seriously think, now, it is a sense of contentment. The calm after the storm.  The unexpected calm I guess.

I was very anxious what my move might bring. I moved to a small country town, with a quaint little main street, that has a real bohemian and artsy feel to it. I wasn’t sure how the small towners or “townies” would welcome me, or if they would at all. To my extraordinary surprise. Every person I have met here has been extremely friendly. I have made several new friends. One gal, I met through a friend that lives here in town, and another gal, I met through her husband who is my trainer at my new gym. You see I told him I was starting a book club when I couldn’t do an impromptu training one Saturday. He said his wife was an English major and might be interested. I gave him the time and place and she showed up and just like that, a new friendship is forged.  So far, I love my new home town.

Besides that, once I purchased my new home. My mortgage, insurance and taxes are about $200 dollars a month less than what I was paying in rent. My phone/cable/internet bill is down about $40 bucks, My heating down another $50, which includes my service plus repair plan, awesome, and did I mention the new homeowners tax credit I will be able to file this year when I do my taxes? I feel like I am at the cusp of some real financial security. The only problem is some of my financial security this past year has come from my writing.

So, maybe a sense of calm has taken over my inner voice, and it has nothing much to complain about. I know life could be far worse, I know, I have lived it.  I guess I shouldn’t complain about not having much to write about lately.  About the only thing I have come up with, is the fact that loneliness does sneak up on me from time to time. But I am almost afraid to even complain about that, since I have been given so much already, that wanting more at this point seems almost selfish.

Maybe in a few more weeks I can write about my never-ending struggle to lose weight and the struggle to find some intelligent  male adult companionship. I mean, I love my friends and my kids to death. But both lack the intimacy we all crave from time to time.  So until then, I will keep smudging my canvas, until inspiration hits and I can get back to putting some decent pen to paper.

Until then, don’t abandon me completely.

Peace to you all.

Mary

Distracted

It seems lately when it comes to sitting down and writing I have been nothing but distracted. Not by the kids or work or anything, it just seems like every time I sit down to write something, anything, I just don’t feel like it.  It’s an odd feeling for me. I find I do my best writing when there is turmoil, or something on my mind or if something is bothering me. Let’s face it, in my life or any ones for that matter, there is always something going on we could write about. I usually always have something on my mind.

But lately, it seems like I don’t. I mean, I have plenty on my mind, but lately, just don’t want to write. It scares me a little, am I on the path away from writing, the one thing that brings me such solace and replacing it with a real life?  Ge’ez I hope not. It’s like that feeling when you start to realize that a really close personal relationship is going to end, and its the last thing you want to happen.

I hope I have just been pre-occupied. I have a new home and my friend, Kirsten, her and her husband have been so gracious to help me out around the house.  So far, he has installed my closet shelves and bars, and is currently installing some overhead lighting for me. They have kids close to my youngest age, all boys, who get along great, and now I am starting to work out with Kirsten at the local gym and have met yet another friend through her.  I am hosting a book club, starting hopefully next week in my new small town local coffee shop, and really becoming even more settled than I ever thought possible in my already simple little life.

Kirsten’s husband teases me and says he needs to find me a boyfriend to do my long list of handy work, as he is starting to spend quite a bit of time tending to little fix it jobs here.  But since the last blind date they set me up on was a complete disaster, I just roll my eyes and tell him the truth.

I am happy just the way I am.

I Can Count on Me.

An old boyfriend once told me “the only person you can truly count on is yourself.” I wanted to believe these were the words of newly divorced pessimism, but, as I continued on with my life with him, and then eventually without him, I learned that he had made a very excellent point. 

Now don’t assume my outlook on life is bleak and that my own pessimism has drained my normally half full glass. It’s just that I have come to learn through my own experiences, past and present that his statement is very true. 

I find a lot of the things in life that I have held back because I was either dependent on someone else or waiting to be dependent on someone else and that someone else has never materialized, and looking back when I did have that someone else, counting on them, only dug my hole deeper. 

I have stopped waiting for my life to begin.  I always wanted a home of my own, but thought it would be better if I waited for someone to buy a home with, and share it.  I was afraid to make that step alone. Then I remembered when I did have a home with someone else, I just had double the responsibility and found relying on them only made me feel dependent upon them and this made my life horrible.  

I have only a few goals of my own. Owning my own home, a place for my boys and myself to call home base, never to be told that my rent was going up or the home was going to be sold from under me seemed like a pipe dream, much like most dream of winning the lottery or riding off with prince charming into the sunset.  I thought it could never happen and it did.  I could do it. I really had nothing to fear except fear itself.  Well, that and a ton of self doubt. But I conquered it and I did it. I still can’t believe it sometimes. I thought I would be crushed with thoughts of how much I owed a bank for my mortgage, but I don’t. I keep thinking of the equity I am making and counting the years until I retire, when I can sell my home, buy a cheap little condo in Florida or the Carolina’s and retire with a little nest egg instead. 

My next goal I want to conquer is my weight. I need to get off this lifelong roller coaster and face the demons that have made it such an amusement park fun ride. More like the mirrored house of horrors, really.  But I think I know now if I can get my head in the game, and take a look at where the problems really lie, I can do this too, although my confidence wavers a bit. 

With my new house finally on the way of becoming a comfortable home, I am trying my best to look forward and not back. This is now going to be a time for me to believe in all possibilities.  I consciously push thoughts of my last boyfriend out of my head, and decide not to put any more precious time into someone who will never be coming back me, no matter what my feelings are for them or how much I miss him. I also have given up worrying about another man from my past who clearly is the only one driving his own self destruction.  Several months ago I finally saw him for who he really is, a self serving, self destructive boar.  The turning point was when he told me he had just broken it off (yet again) with his on again off again girlfriend in Arizona, and referred to her and her family as a racially prejudiced name, and I knew then, he was someone I didn’t want to help, or even be friends with.  I could only imagine what he called me after we had broken up all those many years ago. To him I can finally say “good riddance.” 

I hope this New Year brings the best to everyone, and I hope this year is even better than the last. I don’t know right now what could be better than owning my own home, but I am sure the possibilities are endless. Here is wishing everyone a wonderful New Year. 

Peace to you all.  

Mary

The Weather Outside

Well, we are rolling into Christmas weekend and we are expecting 12 to 19 inches of snow. It is the first Christmas in 3 years I was going to spend with my siblings as this time of year they are usually at the peak of their dysfunction. My sisters and I seemed to have keyed into the fact that it is really one perpetrator, my brother, and finally have the issue nipped in the bud. The holiday plans were set and then, alas, we are to get at least a foot of snow, so Christmas may now be on the back burner.

This is really unfortunate for me, as I feel I need my family right now. I just bought and moved into my new home. I love the house, and the neighborhood, but moving to a new town has its challenges. Where are the gas stations, the hair salons, the hardware store etc?  But what I need for Christmas is a handyman. I moved to a town where I do have friends and they assured me, not to worry about having help with all things mechanical. It really was their assurance for these matters that were the deciding factor of me buying on my own, as I have no mechanical ability of my own. If it involves hand tools, I am lost. 

Well, they were not as good as their word and now a week later I sit in my new home with curtains tacked to walls with push pins, my walk in closet still in a state of dis-repair, and my clothes now hanging in 3 different areas of my household. They took the doors and drawers off my entertainment center, which then didn’t fit into my new finished basement, so they stuck the entertainment center in my garage and the doors and drawers still sit downstairs with screws now nowhere to be found. There is more, but I don’t want to start crying again.

This experience has only made me more homesick and wishing I would have just moved to another rental in my hometown. I have yet to find the joy of home ownership.  However, I am meeting friendly people around town and shared a few good laughs with the gals at the salon who cut my oldest sons hair. Shared a few rolled eyes and giggles with the poor kid working at the grocery store who was getting yelled at by a very odd woman shopper about a coupon in frozen foods where the supply had run out. Poor kid.

Anyway, I always make my way, and meeting new friends has never been a problem for me. Hopefully, I will get a good handy man by word of mouth and have someone set for future work. Right now I am hoping my old neighbors from Shakopee will be able to make it down to the new house tonight before the snow starts to fall. They said they will be down to help me regardless of the snow issue to help me.  Funny some will come from miles away, in a snow storm to help a friend and others can’t even seem to cross town.

Peace to you all and have a good holiday.

Why I hate the holidays

It has been many years since I have had a good holiday season. It seems for at least the past 8 years nothing but bad things happen to me during this time of the season. I get beaten, I pass out at the nail salon, and spend the holidays being tested for a possible brain tumor (that is one for the books for sure), there is never enough money to give the kids a good Christmas and my family pumps the “fun” into “dysfunction.”

So, I thought this year was going to be different. I bought a new home, all on my own. I wasn’t sure, at first,  if I was going to because my  all time living fear was not being able to fix or maintain anything on my own. I hate knowing that things that might take someone 5 minutes to do, I can’t do on my own. But I was assured by most everyone this wouldn’t be the case, that there would be plenty of help, so I did it. I bought my own home.  Everything should be great and wonderful right?  I couldn’t have been so wrong.

Every one of my greatest fears have now come true. Now I had an inspector go through the house with a fine tooth comb and everything worked fine. But now I can’t find the switch that turns the light on in the garage or the one in front of the house. I have been left by myself my first night in the house. I appreciate to no end all the help I got moving  my belongings here, but after that I was left alone and now I can’t get any further without help, and there isn’t any to be found. Everyone is back to being involved in their own lives.

My son Jacks bed frame has these clamps that need to be loosened and moved from both ends at the same time to get his bed frame in first, can’t do it without 2 people.  Therefore I can’t get his bed put together, his bed made and he now has nowhere to sleep. I can’t get his room put away without getting the bed mattress and box spring out-of-the-way. Then there is my bed. I need two people to get the headboard screwed back on. I was given the allen wrenches to do so but no help. So, I couldn’t sleep in my bed the first night. Couldn’t anyway because I have no curtain in front of my window either.  I have made 8 holes attempting to attach the bolts for my curtain rod to no avail. No sleeping in this room until I get help with that.  I also won’t be able to sleep in my bed as my clothes are coming over from my old house today and my bed will be serving as my closet. I have no poles or shelves in mine. I have all the pieces to put it together, but I can’t install it myself.

Later today I am going to have to call a professional handyman and I am sure at the hourly cost, it will be a pretty penny to have all of these things fixed, installed and repaired. It being Christmas, I don’t really have the money right now to do that either. It will have to wait until after the holidays.

Right now between unpacking what I can and crying wishing I would have just moved the kids an myself into an apartment where maintenance was just a phone call away, instead of being fortified with the empty encouragement from those around me telling me help would be bountiful, another holiday season goes down in my books as the worst I can remember.

Welcome Home

I just published an article on Gomestic. Give it a read if you like. Hope you enjoy. Follow the link below. Thank you.

http://gomestic.com/home/welcome-home/

Bedtime Ramblings

I haven’t written much here lately. Come right down to it, I haven’t written much anywhere lately. My cup runneth over and I have a lot to do in the next 2 weeks. Boxes are stacked everywhere with small isles making their way through my office and living room as I try to get all my belongings boxed, stacked and organized so they will be easy to move and not be over bearing upon the friends who have really so graciously volunteered to move me to my new home. I think I am beginning to know exactly what the Collyer brothers must have felt in their New York brownstone before Homer and Langley met their untimely death being buried by their own belongings.

Buying a home is stressful enough, but not having a significant other to ask if I am making solid decisions is hard. I am lucky to have so many close friends. We all claim we have close friends but these are friends I alway tell “I love you” before I hang up, so yeah, they are good friends. They give me good advice and tell me I am being a butt head when, well, I am being a butt head. Ah yes, stressful it is buying my first home on my very own. I am not borrowing any money from family or friends for closing, not getting help from a parent. It’s all me and I am anxious, nervous and excited.

Then, add to the mix, my job. I enjoy the people I work with, even though I am in two different offices during the week. Both offices have completely different personalities and if I was forced to pick one over the other, I don’t know what I would do. They are really great people. However, there is a lot of work. I have a lot on my plate and for the first time in my near 6 1/2 years there, I am really feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and utterly exhausted by the time I get home. If there is a bottom to my rope.. at work, I am positive, I am getting near it. Not a day goes by lately that I am not leaving work with a crushing headache.  Which stinks because there is rarely a day that goes by where I don’t have to run to a school or extra-curricular activity after school. But you know me, push my way through as always.

I can’t complain. I feel lucky and blessed and I will feel relief when I close on my new home in a couple of weeks, I can’t wait. This whole process has been a learning experience for me. I have learned about real estate and mortgages and going through my finances with a fine tooth comb has shown me a few things, like, I should be proud of myself for being so responsible with my money these past 7 years. I have worked really hard to get where I am at and when you look at yourself on paper, at least in my case, I have more than I thought I did.

It’s been a surreal journey. As I have been going through my belongings getting ready for the move, I have come across so many old pictures. There is one that stands out in my mind. It is a picture of a birthday cake of Stews. It was for his 8th birthday. I had just been left with nothing, less than nothing. I had enough that month to just keep the necessary utilities on, and had to go to the food shelf after my ex-fiance drained all our bank accounts. Luckily they had a birthday cake that had slid around in shipping, and the icing was a little mashed on one side. I remember being in the bathroom and crying while Stew had a couple buddies over night for his birthday. He didn’t know until a few years later that the cake came from the food shelf and I could barely afford gas to make it to work those first few months on my own. It was tough, and now 7 years later I am buying my own home with no outside help, and for the first time in my life, I am proud of me.

Peace to you all.

Mary

New Home Anticipation

Today I finally felt excited. The closing of my new home is pending and today I met my realtor and some close friends at my future new home. They wanted to go over it with a fine tooth comb, even though it had a good inspection because these friends know they will probably be asked by me at some point to fix something. They are good friends, no, great friends. 

I measured the bathroom for a framed mirror and my walk in closet for new shelving and poles to hang my clothes, as the old system is a midge madge of wire shelving and not connected well. I measured for curtains in my son’s rooms, and started looking for overhead lights for the bedrooms. 

My friends are excited for me, and when I asked one of them too keep his eye open for a swing set for my youngest son, he said he had one for us.  I am looking forward to living closer to these friends as they always seemed much more like family. 

Afterwards my son and I decided to try out a local tavern for breakfast.  All the locals were there after church and were quite friendly. After breakfast we explored our future little home town and made note of all the things we want to see and do. Once the snow falls they have a big community sledding hill, we scoped out the back way to the grocery store and found the club house to the local golf course within walking distance, I can see the 5^th fairway from the front of my future home.  At least I think it’s the 5^th one anyway. We are so excited to have a family room downstairs where we can all hang out together, Jack will have nice carpeted floors to put his Lego’s together or push his tractors around.  I have paint samples picked out and pictures of rooms I want to decorate. 

Yes, it will be nice to finally have a place of our own.  Even if we will be moving a week before Christmas, none of us can wait.  The biggest decision was the first box to unpack.. That was easy, the Christmas tree of course.  We have a lot to be thankful for this year. 

Peace to you all.

Mary

Found One

Today I put an offer in on a house. I waited all day with baited breath and anticipation waiting for an answer. I met my realtor in the morning at the home to put the offer together. It was our second look at the house. It looked even better in the daylight. It has 3 bedrooms upstairs, mine with a walk in closet, a room for Jack and one for my office and downstairs a “non-conforming” bedroom with it’s own bathroom for Stew. Finished basement, new roof, new carpet, new furnace, and new sump pump. It has a double attached garage and a huge back yard for Jack to play and it is on a dead end street so it will be safe for him to bike on our block as well.  The walls were all painted back to eggshell white, now waiting like blank canvas for me to paint.  

The house is perfect for our little family, 1800 square feet, everything put together in a very practical way. I waited into the evening until my realtor finally called, a little fine tweaking to the deal, and they accepted the offer. All parties are happy with the agreement.  If all goes well, I will be closing on my home in several weeks. 

It’s finally starting to hit me. Finally, I am going to have my own home. The boys will have somewhere to call home and come home to and when they grow up; bring their wives and kids to visit. It will be mine and no one else’s. 

I hope all goes well at closing. I just need to have it inspected and appraised and the bank needs to do their paper part and we will be in our new home in no time. 

I am very excited and I am rarely boastful of myself. But I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself. I never thought I could do this. I never thought I would ever be able to own my own home. 

Peace to you all. 

Mary